I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell

I have struggled with self love for as long as I can remember. I realized it wasn’t because I didn’t love myself- I was just too afraid of what others would think of me. For probably 75% of my life I tried to conform to a box…be the best student, be funny, be skinny, be the perfect Christian, look good and don’t swear. 

What do those all have in common? They’re all about how the outside world perceived me. None of them are about how I feel, how I value myself, and who I am. I was constantly trying to be something else, someone else entirely. I was putting limitations on myself in order to please others. That leads to bondage. I’ve come to the conclusion that was the source of my anxiety all these years. For those that know me well, know that I’ve battled severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I’ve faced trauma. I’ve been lonely. I’ve been scared. I’ve been left abused and disrespected. Haven’t we all? 

I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be. Heck I never WANT to be. I’ve struggled far too long to realize that I need to just embrace me. For those who struggle with the same sins of the world, know that it’s okay. It’s okay to be who you are and ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. To be weak, to cry, or to go a little crazy. 

So here’s how I think when I look at myself…

I am smart. But I’m not the perfect student. I’m creative, I know how to talk to people and I enjoy learning. However I was a terrible test taker and I got anxious when put under pressure in the classroom. I procrastinate and hated doing homework. I spent too much time hanging out with friends and I would often neglect my work because I just didn’t have motivation to do it. Should I have tried harder? Yeah, but man would I beat myself up about being dumb or failing math. I bombed my fair share of tests and quizzes. I failed two classes in my lifetime. One in college- one in high school. But I am still smart. Those classes and grades do not define me. I graduated college y’all I’m safe.

I actually am funny 💁🏻‍♀️ but I used to put too much focus on trying to be the goofball. Once I started to just be me, I realized that I was actually better at making people laugh when I wasn’t trying. I started to focus on just enjoying the little moments and the way my body warms when I shake with laughter. 

I’m not skinny. The last time I was truly skinny was probably the second grade. Body positivity is a whole other story but I don’t wanna be skinny…thick is in man! God gave me this body because that’s how he created me. There’s nothing I can change in my diet so might as well embrace it. I work out for me to feel good and strong. Not to be a super model

I’m not the perfect Christian. There is honestly no such thing. We all sin. I swear, I have temptations, I give in to things I’m not supposed to. I’ve smoked. I go out and I drink-in moderation. I learned that knowing my limits and what I can handle has saved me from going over bored or being over curious. I don’t feel guilty about  having a glass of wine at dinner or a beer with friends. I don’t mind ordering a mixed drink at the bar as long as I take care of myself. I don’t want anyone to think that I because you like alcohol you can’t be a good Christian. Lots of Christians do like it. Some don’t and that’s okay. It’s also used in some church’s still during communion. In biblical times, it was a drink often served. Jesus turned water into wine? 🍷 But do not let this idea excuse behavior that is not biblical. Keep yourself safe. If you chose to do so, drink in moderation and not just to get sloshed. If you know you can’t- don’t do it. 

I swear… and I need to stop it actually 😂

With all this said, I hope you can evaluate the things in your life that are burdening you. Rid yourself of shame and start forgiving yourself. Accept who you are and begin to build a better you. ✨

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